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Answer the following questions as "never" "sometimes" or "regularly" and ask yourself how important each of these actions are to making YOU feel loved.

1. How often do you each say I love you and mean it? Is this important to you?
2. How often do you each look into your partner's eyes when he/she is talking?
3. How often do you tell your partner you appreciate something about them?
4. How often do you sincerely say "please," "thank you," or "I'm sorry?"
5. How often do you make time to have fun with each other?
6. How often do you laugh with one another?
7. How often do you reach out and touch each other affectionately (outside of the bedroom and in the bedroom)?
8. How often do you call your partner just to say you're thinking of him/her?
9. How often do you kiss longer than 2-3 seconds?
10. How often do you think about your partner when you're apart (do you tell them)?

Please remember that goal here is NOT to find fault or blame your partner - the goal is to develop a game plan to correct old distancing patterns and to grow closer by finding out what makes each of you feel loved.

If you answer "rarely" you can probably assume that those actions either don't matter to you or that you've forgotten to show love on a regular basis. Couples are surprised to discover that they've been trying to do things to please their lovers and were feeling unappreciated because their actions weren't being experienced as loving! Use the Loving Actions LoveTool to stimulate discussion and help you create an actual list of what each of you values most. Number the list from the most to least important.

As always, use the Stop, Look, and Listen LoveTool to listen to each other's point of view and respect one another's feelings. Once you've each shared what makes you feel loved give your list to your partner. The partner then commits to selecting one or two items from their lover's list to make them feel loved in their own special way. Couples who have used this tool find results immediately. It doesn't take a lot of time--just some effort. Make sure to do one or more things from their list within the next week and stick to your plan. Following through and consistency are important to strengthen trust and intimacy.

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