Learning to visualize is essential to taking control over
your beliefs. It consists of choosing to see images in your
mind's eye that will effect the way you feel and respond
sexually. What you see in your mind's eye guides you to
respond in a more positive and pleasurable way. Remember,
our anxiety centers don't distinguish between what is "real"
and "imagined." If you imagine yourself being pulled over
by a state police officer and clearly see that flashing
blue light behind your speeding car, you may actually feel
your pulse rate climbing. On the other hand, if you remember
an especially warm positive loving moment, you create an
inner feeling of comfort and calm.
Now don't immediately say, "I can't visualize." Some people
visualize easily, and others need a little more time, but
everyone can learn to develop their visualizations. To practice,
look out the window of your car, office, or home. Pay attention
to everything that you see for a few minutes. Now close
your eyes and imagine all that you can recall as clearly
as you could with your eyes open. Practice this each day
and you're developing your imagery capacity.
1. Relax and focus on your breathing. Inhale slowly through
your nose and practice abdominal breathing. Breathe deeply,
but don't hyperventilate. Release the breath counting backwards
from 5-4-3-2-1 feeling yourself becoming more and more relaxed
with each descending number. Repeat this process for 5 breaths.
2. Visualize the greatest sex of your life. It can be
something you've seen in a movie, read in a romance novel,
something you've actually experienced, or something you'd
like to experience. See it as clearly as you can -- every
facet of it. Visualize the colors, textures, smells, and
tastes. Visualize yourself experiencing everything exactly
as you'd like to. See yourself in the most positive way
you can Ü responding and being responded to in a way that
feels just right at this moment in time.
3. Dealing with distractions. Have you ever wondered how
an athlete doesn't become distracted by the noise of the
crowd? If you ask him/her they'll probably ask you, "What
noise?" They were so focused on the feeling of the basketball
on their fingertips that they didn't experience anything
else. Have you ever been so deeply engrossed in a movie
that you didn't hear the person crunching on popcorn next
to you? How did you make that happen? I researched this
phenomenon in my first book, Ordinary Women, Extraordinary
Sex (Dutton, 1993) and named the experience "absorption."
It's the ability to be so deeply immersed in something of
interest that nothing else is noticed.
To experience Extraordinary Sex, you must learn to recognize
your own personal patterns of distraction and choose to
absorb yourself in pleasure. Under what circumstances do
you become worried, nervous, or anxious? When does your
mind wander during sex? At what point in lovemaking do you
lose your erotic focus? Once you've identified this moment,
you are ready to choose a more enjoyable outcome.
Now go back to your visualization (see #2). As you're
involved in this wonderful lovemaking moment, simulate a
distraction -- any distraction that steals your erotic focus.
It could be some worry, concern, an outside interruption,
or a fear. Anything. As this distraction occurs, tell it
that it can leave or stay--it doesn't matter, but you're
going back to focusing on what feels good to you in the
moment.
4. Enhance your erotic focus. Continue to focus on what
feels good to you. What are you smelling, tasting, touching,
and enjoying? Allow yourself to become ONE with all of the
positive sensations or thoughts in your mind. Whenever you
feel a distraction, return to what feel good. You can practice
this erotic focus in real life by "really" tasting an M&M
or a spoonful of rich creamy ice cream. Taste it with every
taste bud. Become those M&M's! The ability to become lost
in a moment of pleasure is the real secret to experiencing
Extraordinary Sex.
Practice your Visualization LoveTool every day. The next
time you'd like to get into a positive "frame of mind" to
make love, go through the visualization steps. It'll become
natural once you get the knack and it doesn't take very
long. You'll recognize that you've probably gone through
the same steps (in a negative way) and now you're just choosing
a positive direction. During your lovemaking, if your mind
should wander, use the suggestions in #3. If it does, don't
fight with your distractions. Choose to replace it with
something pleasurable instead. But most of all, as always,
have fun!
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