Have You REALLY
Kissed Your Spouse Lately?
Written by Jim Duzak, author of Mid-life Divorce and the Rebirth
(Cold Tree Press, 2007).
"A highly readable book with many practical suggestions
and insights on mid-life divorce and moving on ... I highly recommend it!"
-- Dr. Sandy
can be more intimate than intercourse"
(Dr. Sandra Scantling, certified sex therapist)
I'm a big fan of Dr. Sandra Scantling, who writes a popular column on sex and
relationship issues for the Hartford Courant
(which are archived on her website, www.drsandy.com).
But when I first read those words, I was a bit skeptical. After all, aren't
intimacy and intercourse virtually synonymous? (You will still hear people say,
"We were intimate", as a euphemism for "We had sex").
But when I thought about it more, I realized that Dr. Scantling was absolutely
right. What can be more sensual, more expressive, more intimate than a kiss? In
fact, shortly after I read Dr. Scantling's column on kissing, I read a Chicago Tribune interview with someone
described as a "lifestyle coach for swingers" (interesting job title),
who said that the number one ground rule for swingers' parties is No Kissing.
"It's just too intimate" for even swingers to handle, the coach
Actually, I might re-phrase Dr. Scantling's words to say, "Kissing should be more intimate than
intercourse", because, unfortunately, in the typical mid-life marriage,
kisses are anything but intimate. The long, wet, passionate kisses of our
single days are quickly replaced by the perfunctory peck on the cheek. Why? Do
we think that we don't "need" to kiss if we have sex? Do we think
that kissing, like holding hands, is somehow unseemly if we've been together
for years and years? Are we just plain thoughtless and lazy about showing
Whatever the reason, we need to break the peck-on-the-cheek habit, or at least
reserve it for those times when we'd be truly embarrassed to have other people
see us kissing in a more passionate manner. (And even then, you're really
setting a good example
for the repressed married people of the world).
Because the best way to break a habit is to replace it with another one, start
today. When your spouse comes home tonight, give him or her the kind of kiss
you used to give. Do it again after dinner, and before you get into bed. As Dr.
Scantling says, "Let's return kissing to its rightful place in lovemaking.
Dare to be as intimate now as you were then...and never underestimate the power
of a kiss".