THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAVING SEX AND MAKING LOVE
Who taught you how to make love? Did you learn from your
parents, your teachers, your friends, or did you think you
could just pick it up--naturally? And weren't you surprised
when you discovered that you couldn't read your partner's
mind at that all important time and didn't have a clue about
how to really please him or her? After more than 20 years
as a sex therapist, I've come to realize that one is not
born a lover, one becomes one!
Physical Sex Versus Extraordinary
Extraordinary sex is the most intimate form of communication
we can have with our lover. Giving of ourselves and receiving
another. Feeling simultaneously vulnerable and lovingly
assertive. Unlike physical sex, which involves placing column
"A" into slot "B", extraordinary sex reflects the total
experience of really making love.
Now I'm not suggesting that physical pleasure is unimportant
- quite the contrary! There is a talent to being able to
enjoy the purely physical aspects of sex with abandon. But
when you only make love
to one another's sex organs, you inevitably begin to feel
that something of vital importance is missing and may start
to ask, "Is that all there is?" This is the time that couples
report that sexual pleasure goes down hill.
As pleasure declines, so does frequency. It's only natural
that you don't want to do something when it stops being
fun. Instead of focusing on "how often" couples make love,
I focus on making it better.
Soon the quality AND the quantity of lovemaking increases.
Although we all know there are distinct differences between
men and women biologically, psychologically, and socio-culturally,
there are lots of similarities, too. I feel we've focused
so much on the differences, that we've lost sight of our
commonalties. There are just as many men who value touching
and tender loving as there are women who value a passionate
physical romp in the hay. Sometimes we want to make love
and sometimes we want to have sex.
Regardless of your gender, sex becomes transformed into
lovemaking when it includes a sensitivity to your partner's
mind, body, and soul. Extraordinary sex involves fulfillment
at the emotional and spiritual level as much as at the physical
level, and a receptivity to the qualities that make your
Rate Your Lovemaking
So how do you rate in the Lovemaking department? How well
do you know your lover and how well known are you to him
or her? Complete the following Intimate
Communication Quiz to find out.
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