LoveLesson Three
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAVING SEX AND MAKING LOVE

Who taught you how to make love? Did you learn from your parents, your teachers, your friends, or did you think you could just pick it up--naturally? And weren't you surprised when you discovered that you couldn't read your partner's mind at that all important time and didn't have a clue about how to really please him or her? After more than 20 years as a sex therapist, I've come to realize that one is not born a lover, one becomes one!

Physical Sex Versus Extraordinary Sex
Extraordinary sex is the most intimate form of communication we can have with our lover. Giving of ourselves and receiving another. Feeling simultaneously vulnerable and lovingly assertive. Unlike physical sex, which involves placing column "A" into slot "B", extraordinary sex reflects the total experience of really making love. Now I'm not suggesting that physical pleasure is unimportant - quite the contrary! There is a talent to being able to enjoy the purely physical aspects of sex with abandon. But when you only make love to one another's sex organs, you inevitably begin to feel that something of vital importance is missing and may start to ask, "Is that all there is?" This is the time that couples report that sexual pleasure goes down hill.

As pleasure declines, so does frequency. It's only natural that you don't want to do something when it stops being fun. Instead of focusing on "how often" couples make love, I focus on making it better. Soon the quality AND the quantity of lovemaking increases.

Although we all know there are distinct differences between men and women biologically, psychologically, and socio-culturally, there are lots of similarities, too. I feel we've focused so much on the differences, that we've lost sight of our commonalties. There are just as many men who value touching and tender loving as there are women who value a passionate physical romp in the hay. Sometimes we want to make love and sometimes we want to have sex.

Regardless of your gender, sex becomes transformed into lovemaking when it includes a sensitivity to your partner's mind, body, and soul. Extraordinary sex involves fulfillment at the emotional and spiritual level as much as at the physical level, and a receptivity to the qualities that make your lover unique.

Rate Your Lovemaking
So how do you rate in the Lovemaking department? How well do you know your lover and how well known are you to him or her? Complete the following Intimate Communication Quiz to find out.

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