The following LoveTool is designed to open intimate communication
by helping you share your sexual preferences. There are
no right or wrong answers. Many couples feel uncomfortable
revealing some of their personal preferences to their partner.
That's not unusual. Talking in this way will help you become
more comfortable and be more honest when discussing sex-related
topics. Start with the questions that are easier for you.
Take turns answering each question. Try not to be critical
of each other's responses and listen attentively.
Instructions:
- Complete the following items individually, not as a
couple.
- Don't feel pushed to finish the entire inventory at
one time.
- After you're finished, allow enough time to share your
responses with your lover using the Stop,
Look, and Listen LoveTool Guidelines.
A. Setting the Mood
- For me, it's important that sex (is/is
not) part of a general feeling of closeness outside
the bedroom.
- When I feel angry, I (do/do
not) usually feel like making love.
- Doing something enjoyable (but non-sexual) together
first (does/does not)
put me in the mood for sex.
- Going out to dinner (does/does
not) increase my romantic mood.
- Taking a shower with my partner (does/does
not) relax me.
- I prefer (candle light /
daylight / or no light) as the most romantic for
me.
- Reading erotica or watching explicit video tapes (does/does
not) turn me on.
- Starting with a sensual but not explicitly sexual body
massage (is/is not) pleasant
for me.
- What puts me in a loving mood most is ________.
B. Touching and Being Touched
- I prefer (spontaneous/scheduled)
lovemaking times.
- I am more comfortable (giving/receiving)
touch.
- When I'm being touched I (do/do
not) usually let my partner know if something is
uncomfortable.
- When I'm being touched I (do/do
not) let you my partner know if something is especially
erotic.
- Although this varies, I generally like sex to (begin
slowly and then get passionate / like it slow all the
way through / or like it passionate from the outset.)
- The parts of my body that I typically like having touched
are my ______.
- The parts of my body that I typically don't like being
touched are my _______________.
- The parts of your body that I love to touch are your
___.
- I like having my breasts/genitals touched (early/later)
in lovemaking.
- I feel (comfortable / less
comfortable) when my naked body is seen during
lovemaking.
C. Feelings about Masturbation
- I am (comfortable/uncomfortable)
masturbating.
- If I knew you masturbated, (it
would/would not) bother me.
- I (would/ would not)
feel comfortable masturbating in front of you.
- I (would/would not)
like to see you masturbate in front of me.
- Using sex toys for sexual variety is a (turn-off/turn-on)
for me.
D. Sexual Response
- I (do/do not) worry
about sustaining an erection
- I (do/do not) feel
pressure to keep my erection longer.
- I (sometimes/always/never)
have pain with penetration
- I (sometimes/always/never)
have problems getting as wet as I'd like to be.
- If I have a problem with my erection, I (do/do
not) try to hide it from you.
- If I have a problem getting wet, I (do/do
not) try to hide it from you.
- If I have a problem with my erection what I would like
you to do is __________________.
- If I have a problem with wetness and getting aroused
what I would like you to do is _________________.
- Having an orgasm each time we make love (is/is
not) important to me.
- Having an ejaculation each time we make love (is/is
not) important to me.
- When it comes to sexual positions for intercourse I
(would/would not) like
more variety.
- I would like sexual intercourse (more/less)
often or the same frequency.
- When it comes to initiating lovemaking, I'd like you
to be (more/less assertive).
- When it comes to making love, I'd like you to be (more
active/more passive).
- Hearing sexy talk during lovemaking is a (turn
on/turn off) for me.
E. Sexual Fears/Obstacles/ and
Secret Wishes
- The things that block me from feeling more sexy are
________________.
- Sometimes I'm afraid that you might ____________________.
- One thing I'd love to try that you might not know is
_____________.
- One thing that you/we used to do that I'd like to do
again is _______.
Now that you've identified some of your preferences, try
something new. Anything different can stimulate renewed
excitement. Select something from the "mood" or "touching"
section and change your usual behavior. If you're accustomed
to making love in daylight, touch by candlelight or moonlight.
If your lover enjoys sunrise sex, forget breakfast one day
and indulge in some early moments of pleasure before going
to the office.
A change in setting can jump-start romance. Touching on
a blanket on the family room rug (once the kids are safely
in bed) can re-ignite your passion. Make love to music or
to the natural sounds of the ocean or rain. Some couples
find the rhythm of music can trigger erotic response - remember
Ravel's Bolero in the movie "Ten?" Use your responses to
the sexual viewpoints LoveTool to construct your own personal
program for stretching past your old security zones. Remember,
there isn't one path to exquisite sexual arousal. Experiment
and let the spirit move you.
(Excerpted from
Dr. Scantling's Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide
to Intimacy, Doubleday, 1998).
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