Answer: After 21 years of marriage, it's time for a "marital tune-up." You say that your wife has gained weight, isn't 'sexually active,' and that you ejaculate quicker than you'd like to and prefer to masturbate rather than have sex with her.

In times like this, it's common to begin to avoid sex entirely. Unfortunately, this generally leads to more distance between you and you get stuck in a downward spiral. I'm delighted that you wrote to me because you need to make a change-- the sooner the better. First, I suggest that you talk to your wife about how much you miss her and ask her to join you in bringing intimacy back to your marriage. Do this in a non-blaming way and focus on what you miss about her (this is very important). Next, begin with the LoveLessons on the drsandy Web site. I recommend you download the Sexual Viewpoints Inventory LoveTool and make some time to ask each other some "personal" questions. Complete several of the LoveTools as part of a romantic evening and don't focus on "having intercourse," just have fun. Consider this an investment in making a new start. You'll be amazed at how quickly the romance gets rekindled when you try something new.

The love we feel doesn't leave--it's merely hidden. Once you act more loving, the love reappears. In terms of your rapid ejaculation, there are a number of ways to slow down your ejaculation. I recommend you read Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld's book, New Male Sexuality, and follow his instructions for the "stop start" technique. You may also want to try A Man's Guide to Stronger Erections: Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction. Ask your wife to join you. Fortunately rapid ejaculation is quite easy to treat once you've learned how to reduce your anxiety, identify the feelings that precede ejaculation, and prolong your arousal. Good luck and remember, the possibilities for pleasure are infinite. Enjoy!

Intimacy Q & A: Communication Issues