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LoveLesson One

Everyone agrees that "love makes the world go round" and there's nothing more thrilling or captivating than new love. But is it inevitable that all passion fades eventually? You might remember when sex between you and your lover was exciting, freeing, and fulfilling for body and soul. The almost-anything-goes kind of sex - and almost anywhere!

What do new lovers do that old married couples don't? It's really very simple. Lovers think about each other, long for each other, focus on each other, and show caring for each other in dozens of little ways. When they touch, they don't do so absentmindedly to the monologue of late night television, they touch with all of their senses in high gear, actively tasting and absorbing each other's fragrance. It doesn't take much time to recapture passion - it only takes a willingness to immerse yourself in love.

So why do so many couples settle for "Ordinary Sex"?

Ordinary Sex is comfortable and risk-free. When you practice Ordinary Sex, you don't have to ask for what you want or expose intimate wishes. You just click into old "tried and true" routines. Because no one asks for a different kind of touch or reveals a special wished for fantasy, there's little risk of emotional exposure, rejection, or embarrassment.

Ordinary Sex is easy, effortless, mindless, and sweat-free. Fondly referred to as a "a quickie," it serves the same purpose as a fast food restaurant - speed, convenience, with little energy investment. No elaborate preparations or effort, Ordinary Sex is a means to an end.

Ordinary sex doesn't involve much imagination or creativity. Since you "perform" it the same way, there are no surprises and little possibility of failure. Ordinary sex takes little imagination or thought. Just like brushing your teeth - you do it automatically and robotically.

Ordinary Sex becomes a habit. At first, Ordinary Sex is occasional and interspersed with more creative spontaneous connecting lovemaking. Over time it becomes more and more frequent and before you realize it you're firmly entrenched in the rut of boring mediocre sex wondering "Where did the passion go?"

Sex Education is NOT just for kids. Ordinary Sex is not very intimate - in fact, it actually blocks intimacy from emerging. Everyone longs for Extraordinary Passion, but isn't sure what to do.

Being intimate doesn't come naturally and sex education doesn't end in high school. Sex education for adults involves much more than learning about simple anatomy and physiology. The most important aspect of satisfying sex is learning how to be intimate - and there are a variety of tools available for adults that can help. These tools include the LoveProgram; books, such as my new Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide to Intimacy; or adult sex education videos, including my Ordinary Couples, Extraordinary Sex series, and the other videos in the Sinclair Video Library.

Once you're ready to face the challenge, start by reading the Sexual Viewpoints Lovetool and share it with your partner using the Stop, Look, and Listen Lovetool. It will focus you on the areas you'd like to change.

[Excerpted from Dr. Sandra Scantling's Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple's Guide to Intimacy, Doubleday, 1998.]

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