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LoveLesson Four

When it comes to enjoying sex, your genitals may get all the attention, but your brain is where the action begins. Your mind, the way you think, makes things romantic, sexy, irritating, or downright boring.

I'm reminded of a cartoon I saw years ago: A couple is sitting in a restaurant. Both look mildly annoyed. She comments, "Hector, when I first met you I thought your eyes were kind of close set and beady. . . then I fell madly in love with you and your eyes became deep luminous pools of love. There's something I have to tell you Hector . . .your eyes are becoming very close set again!" Sound familiar? You fell in love with the lilt of her voice, and it becomes an annoying cackle during an argument. And when did his aquiline nose get transformed into a huge honker?

When it comes to love (and this is true for most things) what you believe is what you receive. Your mind makes things sexy and your body receives the message. So when you notice that your passion has lost its pizzazz, ask yourself, "What has my mind been telling me lately?"

Before you experiment with some mind exercises to enhance your pleasure, answer the following questions:

  1. When you're about to make love, what are you thinking?
  2. When lovemaking "begins," what are you thinking?
  3. During lovemaking, what are you thinking?
  4. After lovemaking, what are you thinking?

If you answered the four questions above, "I'm thinking about what I like, going with the flow, focusing on pleasure, and enjoying whatever happens/or has happened." Congratulations! That's the response that's most often associated with Extraordinary Sex. If you're like many people, however, you're worried about how "it's" going to go, "Will I get aroused," "Will he last long enough?" "Will I orgasm?" "Will I be able to get up tomorrow morning?" And so on. When your partner touches you -- are you thinking about what he or she is doing wrong or are you thinking about what feels right?

After lovemaking, are you playing Monday morning quarterback and conducting a play-by-play review in your mind? If so, are you focusing on the negatives or are you looking for opportunities to make things better? Or better still, are you just recalling the delicious closeness you've shared? To get out of the mind set that diminishes pleasure, try using the Visualization LoveTool.

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