When it comes to affairs, people know the risks, but do it any way. Why risk so much for something that is so fleeting (because even affairs get boring over time). Couples ask me to define affairs… they ask: Is it an affair if we’re just good friends? How about if you’re thinking about someone else while you’re making love to your partner? Is seeing a prostitute an affair? What if you see the same prostitute regularly and begin to care about her? Is emotional attachment without sex an affair? Is sex without attachment an affair?
I say yes…if it feels like an affair, it usually is. If you’re involved with another partner in a secretive intimate way, if it’s something you wish your partner wouldn’t do to you, if it’s something you hope your children won’t do to their partners someday, you’re probably looking at an affair.
There are few behaviors that violate a couple’s trust, commitment and safety more than having an affair. The fallout is extensive. Couples who have affairs know they’re playing with fire-that’s one of the things that makes affairs so exciting. The heat. They also know that infidelity or attachment to the wrong person won’t solve problems of boredom, poor self-esteem or a mid-life crisis, but do it anyway.
So why do so many people risk so much for so little? Why would you jeopardize your reputation, your relationship, the stability of your family, your health (picking up HIV or another sexually transmitted disease passing it to your partner) for some furtive moments of passion or idealized romantic attraction?
Some affairs feel as if they just “happen”… you feel attracted to a colleague or neighbor…but many are planned. There are chat rooms and websites for those “married, but looking.” Couples try to justify affairs by claiming “they make me feel better about myself” or “I can have the best of both worlds-I can be married, have the good wife or husband and have my lover on the side. These couples may be legally married but not in the traditional sense. When your vows are broken and you’ve decided to cheat, you cheat everyone that cares about you- including yourself.
Affairs are enormously complicated. They’re not only symptoms of problems, they create problems: insecurity, fear of abandonment, social exposure, erosion of intimacy, family fragmentation and more. Affairs set up deceitful triangles, suspicion and paranoia that have fueled anew industry of spy-ware for partners to “catch” the other in the act. The relationship that has been the cornerstone of your intimacy has become a lie.
And what about Ethical Nonmonogamy? That’s another complex topic that has a host of complications that accompany the expected benefits.
So why don’t people stay clear of these arrangements? Quite simply, affairs are addicting. They can make you feel younger, wanted, excited and alive. Affairs actually cause the body to release an opiate-like substance of attraction that makes you feel intoxicated-almost superhuman. You’re swept up in “euphoric recall” where the positive qualities of the new lover are exaggerated and the attributes of the current partner are devalued. If you think of an affair in this way, it’s easier to understand why it’s so hard to quit. But like other addictions or compulsions, you must develop the skills and support network to quit. You must also accept that the heat of early desire doesn’t last forever.
Positive satisfying and fulfilling sexual connections can be rebuilt within your long term relationship. But first, you must address the broken trust:
What are the steps to rebuild trust? You have to get honest with yourself and your committed partner. You must stop all (yes all) contact with the other person. No exceptions! You must bring your lifetime partner back as your confident. You must do whatever it takes (this isn’t easy and usually takes expert help).
For some people, this may mean changing jobs to no longer have contact with the other person. As with other addictive-like behaviors, you can expect urges (thoughts of the other), cravings (physical and psychological symptoms of sleeplessness, loss of appetite or increased hunger, depression, etc.), and lapses (where you yield to cravings after promising to end it). When this happens, you must come clean with your partner (and yourself, of course). Recovery from affairs is not a one time “apology. “It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. You’ll be tested and retested. Actions, not promises, count.
After an affair, many relationships can be stronger than before. Both partners may find they look more honestly at themselves and at their relationship. They face what may have been missing and vow to repair the hurt.
But what happens to couples who decide to marry the person they cheated with? Do you think their lust lasts? How can you ever trust the one who was your “partner in crime?”
Let’s face it, all things change. The new car smell doesn’t last forever. There are no shortcuts to long-lasting love. I remember asking my mom about the secret to her 60-year marriage to my father. (He still brings her roses for no particular occasion. They always hold hands when they walk down the street.) “Your dad is my best friend,” she answered, “and that’s how I treat him.”