If it’s true that “all the good men are already taken” (or at least have been taken once), you’ll probably wind up dating your fair share of divorced (or soon-to-be-divorced) men if you’re out there searching for your soul mate.
Dating someone newly divorced is more complicated than you may think. To begin with, they have a partner in their recent past who also may be the parent of their children and will be the other parent forever.
Recently divorced folks may also have rejection issues, residual anger, child-support payments and something important to prove the next time around. Sex with this person may be glorious, but going the distance isn’t as easy as finding the one who gives your goose bumps goose bumps. Your orgasms may be cataclysmic, but you can’t be naked all of the time. If you’re dating a recently divorced guy or woman there are some special problems you might want to be on the lookout for and nip them in the bud. I’m not saying that we should brand every divorced potential partner with a scarlet “D”; none of us is perfect. But make sure you do your homework, or you’ll probably wind up in my office complaining that your second marriage is worse than your first.
Kari and Daniel met at an office picnic. Kari, 39, never married, and had two long-term relationships that never quite made it to the “finish” line. Daniel, 43, has maturity, a sense of humor and just about everything Kari has been looking for, including great chemistry! Soon they were living together. The problem is that his divorce was not final, and she didn’t know it. Actually, the court date kept mysteriously moving, with no formal end date in sight. Kari knew Daniel had children, but didn’t fully appreciate what it meant that his children “always came first.” Soon she found herself competing for their dad’s time — soccer, events, camping — and even their love. He felt so guilty about the divorce, he spent every free moment with his kids. She couldn’t take it, and they split.
So if you’re like so many dating women looking for a good man, be careful about dating a newly divorced person. Ask the right questions from the start. Find out when they got divorced (legally divorced). Try not to be the rebound relationship if you can help it. If they say they’re separated, it just may be that their wife or husband is sleeping in the next room!
Be careful of “gap” relationships (filling in the space until the divorce is final). Some of these dates just want reassurance that they’re still marketable. And don’t be their therapist, mommy surrogate or cheerleader. Giving is part of the process, but it can’t be the whole process. Make sure they’re over their marriage before you invest your heart, mind and body. If they’re still angry, compares you to them in bed, or still refers to them as their “wife or husband”, the divorce is still too new. Don’t walk – run.