Many women tell me that their orgasms don’t have the same “zing” after menopause. Female orgasm is complex. Unlike men, who have perfected an efficient formula of friction and fantasy, women need all systems to be “go” before they experience “lift-off. “As we age, this becomes even more challenging. More time or more stimulation isn’t a surefire prescription. In fact, some women just get dry, numb and bored long before their partner (or they) get exhausted.
To keep orgasms alive, we have to do our best to stay healthy-in mind, body and spirit. Middle-aged women have come a long way since our grandma’s days, when she rolled her stocking comfortably below her knees and wore sensible tied shoes. (Have you tried to find a pair of comfortable but sexy shoes recently?)
Boomers of today have over-40 Olympians as role models! The downside, if there is one, is that this 50-is-the-new-40 view has increased intolerance for bodily imperfection, putting even more pressure on today’s women. Determined to combat gravity and inflexibility, they attend multiple spinning classes a week, grueling sessions with personal trainers and round it off with some Bikram Yoga.
But even if your body and heart are in A-1 shape, when our ovaries tick their last tock, sex hormones go into free fall. Declining hormones can lead to diminished desire, change in erotic sensitivity, decreased blood flow to the genitals, vaginal dryness and (for many women) less intense orgasmic release. There are several hormonal (and non-hormonal) products on the market that purport to alleviate these problems, but proceed with caution -just because something is labeled “natural” or “herbal” doesn’t guarantee its safety.
Here are a few other hints: Stay as healthy as you can. Correct any medical or hormonal imbalances. Don’t smoke, moderate your caffeine intake, exercise, watch your diet and make time for all kinds of pleasure. Stop your distracting mind chatter: Focus on whatever turns you on. Practice thinking sexy thoughts during the day-just for the fun of it.
And one important hint Is: Don’t “chase “your orgasm. Follow your pleasure, and ride it like a wave. ► Don’t get stuck with one way to orgasm. Just because your vibrator has always worked doesn’t mean it has to be your only toy. And remember to share your toys with your lover. Lubrication is a good thing-so experiment. Look carefully at products that claim to increase heat or tingle, however, use caution as the ingredients may irritate or numb both of you.
On the medical side, there are finally more research dollars going toward the investigation of drugs to enhance female sexual response.
But the most challenging part of sexuality, by far, is the mind. Depression is reported to affect between 8 percent and 15 percent of all menopausal women and certain antidepressants can impair sexual desire, arousal and orgasm. Being a sexy fifty-or sixty something takes a different attitude. It requires we accentuate the positive. Think about the fantasies you wish you had the nerve to tell your lover and finally say it. If not now, when?
Men understand how important variety is to pleasure. Women seem to think that the old standards should always hit the spot. How would you like a perfectly juicy tender filet mignon-every single night? So don’t despair, all is not lost. What we tell ourselves (or what we imagine) before, during or after sex is the most potent aphrodisiac. The key to more satisfying orgasms is learning to deepen your pleasure skills. This doesn’t take more time, it takes know-how.