For their entire 20-year marriage, Marilyn, 46, attractive and effervescent, has been disappointed with her 51-year-old husband Ryan’s low libido She got by with the help of her vibrator “friends” that were always ready when she was. During those times she’d fantasize about Ryan’s strong arms around her and how she wished he were by her side and not her battery-powered “rabbit-habit.” For the first 10 years, Marilyn tried all the usual things to turn Ryan on: lingerie, candlelight, sexy strips . . . but he stayed erotically apathetic. She sometimes wondered if he had someone else “on the side,” but he was always home at night — or so she thought. Little did she know that cleaning the basement would give her the answer. There, tucked behind a tall maple bookcase, was a stack of porn downloaded off the Internet along with a cache of X-rated DVDs.
Marilyn’s eyes widened as she stared at their flawless skin, round perfect bottoms and perky little breasts. “Is this what my husband wants? But they’re so young.” She could feel herself trembling as she visualized her own full feminine form. “No wonder he hasn’t been interested in me,” she thought. Her angry tears slid down her face, forming small puddles on the photos in her lap. Her mind raced. “What does this mean? What do I do now?”
How would you feel if you discovered, like Marilyn, that your ostensibly low-sex-drive husband is really masturbating several times a week to fantasized images of “sweet young things.” What would you do? To her credit, she confronted her husband and, to his credit, he came clean with another porn stash that was hidden in the ceiling tiles. After a long, difficult talk, Marilyn offered him a decision — therapy or divorce. He chose therapy.
During their couple’s sessions, issues of power were identified as a key problem. Ryan had always felt inadequate with women. Although he was drawn to strong women (like Marilyn) he feared their disapproval and avoided intimacy. One day he was sent a porn site (unsolicited) on his computer and got sexually aroused. There was something about these women that made him feel unusually “manly.” One event led to another . . . and another.
Marilyn and Ryan are still struggling to resolve their intimacy issues.. She is discovering how she may have inadvertently put him down. She is also working to increase her empathy and awareness of Ryan’s shame. To Ryan’s credit, he is stepping up to his humiliation and facing his obsessions. He is growing in his understanding of Marilyn’s feeling of loneliness and rejection.
Ryan has recently decided that his fantasies, urges, thoughts and behaviors are an addiction and he has begun some serious work on relapse prevention. Being sexually interested in porn is pathology. But the damage porn can do to relationships is considerable when is substitutes for partner intimacy.