Power struggles and sexual problems are frequently interwoven. Many couples I treat with sexual complaints have less to do with sex and much more to do with their growing emotional detachment and lack of intimacy.
Power-plays in relationships can take many forms, from overt battles about property ownership to who manages the checkbook. Criticizing your partner because he or she isn’t picking up the children’s toys or being moody or irritable may be your way to control. Perhaps you play good cop and force your partner to be the “heavy” with the kids, or you push your partner’s buttons when you know he or she is trying to keep their anger in check. Forgetting or procrastinating is another common way couples control or avoid being vulnerable.
Because power dynamics are often unconscious, a couple may initially be puzzled by their growing sexual dissatisfaction. If one of you is behaving like a parent, and the other acts like a child, don’t be surprised if your sexual passion takes a nose dive. A closer look may reveal that your interest has shut down because it triggers an uncomfortable “incestuous” resonance. Sex is an intimate joining experience between consenting adults chronologically and emotionally. As couples work in therapy to create a more mature partnership, they become more open to address their sexual problems with more candor
There are many kinds of power discrepancies in relationships, from mild to severe. One of the most extreme forms is the abuse found in domestic violence. The attempts of abusers to dominate their partners have been attributed to low self-esteem, unresolved childhood conflicts, hostility and a host of other variables. The abusive behaviors often represent extreme helplessness and powerlessness projected onto their male or female victim. But whatever the psychological explanation, abuse in any form is unacceptable and requires prompt professional(and/or legal) intervention.
For many couples, sex becomes the ultimate equalizer: It can be a powerful leveler-wounding pride and eroding trust. If you’re secretly keeping score of who is “giving more” to the marriage and who is “taking more,” proceed with caution. Your intimacy is at risk.