There’s a popular myth that men want sex as often as they can get it. The truth is that low sexual desire in men is more common than we think. We don’t know the actual prevalence of this under-reported phenomenon, because men are usually too ashamed to admit it. but the number of couples in my practice with hypoactive desire has sky-rocketed. It seems ironic as women embrace their pleasure zones and finally get the courage to claim their orgasms, many men are saying, “Not tonight, dear-I have a headache!”
There are a number of reasons men may not want sex, including certain medications (antidepressant and blood pressure pills), a host of medical conditions, depression, fear of sexual failure, too much prolactin, or too little testosterone. Research shows that although we can improve motivation and sexual drive by giving hypogonadal men testosterone it may not necessarily increase desire for sexual activity with one’s partner. The more challenging issues are emotional.
Withholding sexual affection may be a sign of ambivalence about intimacy or an indirect way to express hostility under the guise of immobilization. “I’d reach out if I could -I just don’t know why I don’t show you that I love you more often.” Whatever the causes, reduced sexual desire plays havoc with a relationship. Women tend to blame themselves for their partner’s disinterest -many get plastic surgery, go on diets and do just about everything and anything to get their partner’s interest-even threaten an affair to prove their desirability. As resentment builds, the “hurt” one can become the “hurtful” one as the dynamics are played out.
When I meet with these couples, I often see openly disgruntled women and more quietly perplexed or shamed men. Many of the men are described as the consummate “nice” guys-successful in their careers-loving fathers. On interview, some secretly admit to sexually neglecting their partners, but self-stimulate regularly while viewing erotic images on the Internet. They tell me that they’d rather “take care of business alone-it’s simpler that way” than “deal with the drama.” What they feel more ashamed about, however, is hurting the women they profess to love.
And what about the women? The less sexual attention they receive, the more rejected they feel. Instead of appreciating his efforts at home or at work, they become hostile, critical, suspicious or blaming. Instead of saying, “I miss spending time with you,” they make caustic remarks about the infrequent unimaginative sex they have together. Being nasty or accusatory never engenders intimacy.
Whether low sexual desire begins with the man or his partner is the classic chicken and egg argument. The net result is that both partners are disadvantaged. The husband doesn’t feel like a “real” man, and the wife feels unloved-unwanted, unattractive- “un” you name it. As the distance and hostility grow, so may the threats of divorce in a deepening downward spiral.
So what’s a couple to do? If you wait for passion to return, you may be waiting a lifetime. The best way to change a pattern is to begin somewhere. You know you can take all the “fat burner” pills on the market but you won’t get rid of your belly fat until you actually hit the gym and curb those vanilla soy lattes. Period. The same is true for creating sexual passion.
Behavior is meaningful, not promises. As the French say, “The appetite comes with the eating.” If you’re a woman attracted to a man (or another woman) who doesn’t want sex, it might be helpful to do some introspection. Do you have an extreme need to be needed? Do you long to be the one who finally breaks through your partner’s wall of isolation to reach the passion buried inside? Unfortunately, all that you may unearth is your own exhaustion and fury.
If you’re ready to give up your anger and are interested in improving things, answer the following questions honestly:
- Have I become self-righteously vindictive or punitive?
- Have I unknowingly turned into my partner’s controlling caretaker or competitive sister?
- Do I spend more time criticizing what they do wrong than appreciating what they do right?
Low sexual desire is a complex problem that creates suffering for both of you. Understanding your partner’s perspective is the key to improvement. If you don’t believe that, you’re not going to get anywhere. I can hear you saying, “I don’t want to understand him (or her), I just want them to change.” To that I say “sorry.” You selected each other for a host of reasons. Either you thought you could “change” your partner or something in your relationship has gone off kilter.
Whatever it is, if you approach one another as lovers, not as an angry mother or recalcitrant child, you’ll have a better chance of getting the sexual passion you both so richly deserve.