I’ve never liked the word “impotence.” I’ve always found it to be somewhat demeaning. I suspect I’d like it even less if were a man! “Frigidity,” an equally pejorative term, has (fortunately) fallen into disfavor. Impotence, unlike the more politically correct “ED” is much more than a failure in penile tumescence-it conveys a lack of competence, virility, adequacy, strength and power.
When I treat men who have been diagnosed with various illnesses, including diabetes or prostate cancer, their concern about “impotence “is at the top of their list. I see many patients who stop taking their prescribed antidepressant or antihypertensive medications or hormones because of sexual side effects. “What’s the point of feeling better physically if I won’t be able to function sexually?” they ask.
I don’t know why men hold onto the pervasive belief that they are the embodiment of their erections-this despite women’s unsuccessful efforts to convince them that they’re infinitely more. Countless men have said to me. “Without an erection I just don’t feel like a man.”
It’s not unusual for separated or divorced men (and women) to call me in a panic. They fear repeating problematic behaviors in the next relationship-and they often do. Being consumed by worries about potency or performance often creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Understanding that arousal is more than erection is critical to sexual enjoyment. It’s not just semantics or parsing words. Sexual arousal is a head-to-toe experience and involves the body, mind and relationship. You don’t just get turned on in your genitals. As you stay comfortably focused on what you’re enjoying, excitement intensifies.
However, if both partners are secretly watching the penis to see if and when it becomes hard, passion usually comes to a screeching halt.
Does this scenario sound familiar? At some point in your intimate touching, you begin to think about intercourse. He surreptitiously reaches down to feel how “it’s” doing. She then casually brushes her hand across “it” to see if “it’s” ready. No one shares this little dance, but both partners know that it’s going on. Will it or won’t it? All action hinges on whether this organ of passion will rise tonight. How can it possibly stand under the weight of so much scrutiny?
With all of this anxious watching (Masters and Johnson called this “spectatoring”), it’s difficult to have much fun.
Couples who have this kind of stressful sex soon start avoiding it. They’d rather get a video, order a pizza, and forget the whole thing!
And while we’re on the subject of performance, let’s explode another myth-bigger isn’t necessarily better. Remember high school and the group showers after gym? Many males describe feeling short-changed in the “size” department as they glanced at others in the locker room. I’ve had men tell me that they stopped playing sports for that reason alone! I suggest that while in the shower, they were probably looking at a foreshortened view of their own penis in comparison with a frontal view of their buddies, but that perspective offers little consolation.
They want a bigger penis. They refuse to be comforted by the fact that an average non-erect penis is on average about 4 inches long. They’ve obviously seen too many porn movies to believe me. Well, I have a little secret to share with you; it’s the rare female who’s complained to me about her partner’s penis being too small. Many women do complain, however, that they feel unappreciated, unattended to, unloved, etc. You can’t make your penis longer, guys, but you can become an extraordinary lover!
Let’s not fail to mention Viagra and other Viagra-esque substances. Viagra (and its pharmacologic cousins) has promoted the potential for an ageless organ of sexual perfection. Unfortunately the pill doesn’t do a thing to improve intimacy, per se. If you’ve forgotten how to talk, listen and share personally -no little blue (or other colored) pill will make your bells ring and your heart sing.
Although erections contribute to sexual satisfaction, they’re not synonymous with sexual satisfaction. Let’s give ourselves a break and appreciate our uniqueness. We’re much more than the sum total of our body parts, and while you’re at it, don’t forget to focus on the enjoyment!