It’s 2 a.m. Kendra, 47, married with one grown son in college, sits in the dark corner of her study, transfixed by the messages appearing across her computer screen. With each word, her typing becomes more hypnotic. With only the glow of the monitor to illuminate the keyboard, she sits in the shadows, sharing sexual fantasies with a stranger.
Kendra’s cyber-relationship with Amy (or whatever her real name might be) has been escalating over the past 6 months. What started off as a seemingly harmless online chat has turned into a powerful sexual addiction. Who would have thought that a wife. mother and senior vice president of a large financial institution would become hooked on cybersex and with a woman?
Thoughts of her online liaison preoccupy most of her waking hours. Each day, as she drives home from the office, she can feel her heart quicken as she nears her driveway. Will there be an e-mail from Amy? Will they “meet” tonight? She feels giddy. Although she’s exhausted after a long day, she can’t sleep. Instead, she finds herself feverishly typing things she could never imagine saying to her husband. After she signs off for the night, she’s overwhelmed with shame and guilt, as she slips into bed next to her sleeping husband.
Kendra is one of nearly a quarter of a million people who have a cybersex addiction. There is no typical cyber addict. Most of my clients are hard-working, church/temple-going, everyday folks who have become trapped in an extremely seductive predicament. Just as many women as men are addicted to cybersex, although women tend to become immersed in fantasized relationships and role enactments, rather than explicit visual images pitched to male tastes. But whether one is addicted to the visuals or to the imagined relationship, the power of the addiction is equally intense. It offers an accessible, anonymous, affordable avenue to explore fantasies, try on new roles, and add adventure to an otherwise boring routine.
Most people who check out chat rooms may be simply “curious” at first. For some, the taste of forbidden fruit and the rush of the “high” becomes intoxicating. If you wonder whether you (or your partner) have a “problem” in this area, ask yourself the following questions: Have you ever engaged in secret sexual conversations online? Do you find yourself in a hypnotic trance or a dissociative state where hours go by while you’re on the Internet? Have you planned a way to “shut down” your screen quickly or switch to a work project if your wife or husband enters the room? Do you frequently erase your Internet history to destroy the “evidence”? Do you engage in compromising behavior despite the possible adverse consequences? Do you lie about what you’re doing online? Are you seeking higher and higher erotic stimuli? Are you using the Internet to “self-medicate” against depression, anxiety, or the lack of intimacy? If you say yes to these questions and your Internet use has begun to interfere with any aspect of your life, it’s likely that you’re sexually addicted.
So what can you do if you or the person you love has a sexual addiction? Using “spyware “or other “tracking” devices to monitor behaviors or catch them in the act is a mistake. It will only induce resentment and add to feelings of mistrust.
The most effective way to treat sexual addiction is the relapse prevention model pioneered by Dr. Patrick Carnes. It includes identifying situations that stimulate urges and cravings, learning to anticipate these situations, and developing healthier ways to channel sexual impulses and behaviors. One of the unique challenges of treating sexual addiction is in defining “sexual sobriety” and “healthy sexual functioning.” With other addictions, you can stop going to the casino or stop drinking, but we can’t just use sexual abstinence as a marker for success.
Sex addicts must learn to deal with their sexual thoughts, fantasies, and arousal triggers in ways that don’t stimulate addictive behaviors. This is especially complicated when there is a committed relationship that suffers in the balance. Sexual addiction robs you of authentic intimacy by leaving you unsatisfied and longing for more. When the pseudo-intimate addictive behaviors are modified, anxiety will surface, but that’s to be expected, along with failures, challenges and improved sexual intimacy.
According to Abraham Maslow, we can actually “touch the divine” through our sexual connection. This takes our willingness to be vulnerable and to face our own truths. Only then will we achieve the sexual fulfillment we crave.